Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
