Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
