She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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