Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
