one might say we're banned from that church
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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