you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
