Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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