Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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