Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
