i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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