I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
