i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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