dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
