he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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