Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
me + whiskey = a bad person
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
