Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Randomize
