If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
