It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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