My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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