My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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