I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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