Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
