I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
