Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
