The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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