Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
vagina is talking i cant
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
