How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
You need Xanax blowdarts
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
