thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
