Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Randomize
