i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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