My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
