masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
