Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
