walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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