you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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