He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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