woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
high people should be assigned attendants
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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