jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Terrible idea I love it
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