so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
