you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
