her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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