Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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