My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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