you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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