i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Randomize
