The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
okay pat passed out under dana's car
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
