I must be too annoying 4 u.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
