Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
