Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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