Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
